


Workplace Accidents

by BlackPrism



Category: Good Omens, Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Choking, Discorporation (Good Omens), Footnotes, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Kinda, M/M, Poisoning, Temporary Character Death, This is mostly lighthearted no worries, Vomiting, more idiots then husbands at first though, mostly just both of them doing stupid shit and discorporating for a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23102500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackPrism/pseuds/BlackPrism
Summary: The world was bright, new, undiscovered and of course full of potentially deadly things that were very good at making sure you died and stayed that way.Well, or that you at least inconveniently discorporated and had to fill out a dreadfully large stack of paperwork.Even angels and demons sometimes have bad days at work.Or the various, noncanonical but often hilarious discorporations of Crowley and Aziraphale
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 49





	1. Oranges

Angels, the real deal, not the cute little porcelain figures that would adorn shelves over shelves in only millennia, were known to be creatures of grace, infinite love and sometimes terrible wrath.

That was only partially true.

Most people had never met an angel, only heard of their powers trough tails, of the way they walked through heaven, bathed in light.

That was, as the previous statement, also only half of the truth.

Some angels did walk trough heaven, some were also bathed in light. Most angels, though, spend their time fine-tuning and overseeing everything that made up a vast universe, including a rotating blue ball filled with all kinds of animals and interesting phenomena, such as wind and the newly developed rain.*

> *Still going through rigorous beta testing, but having been deemed a success so far

Only one angel was permanently stationed in a completely different surrounding, having been send down to earth, walking amongst humans and all of creation.*

> *Well, most of it. Some of it. Travelling did take up a lot of time, and ways to get around were still limited. There was enough time to get to it eventually though, so a slow start like that wasn't too horrible of a start, and better than no start at all.

Aziraphale had been on earth for a short time, a few decades, maybe a bit more, and so far he had done absolutely nothing.

Not nothing as in standing motionless in one spot, not blinking or breathing as time passed. He did move about quite a lot, following Adam and Eve as they went into the world, watching them bear children and lose them again (thankfully only the first went in such a bloody and terrible way, that had not been a pleasant business). 

But so far that had been it. Watching. Watching as humans explored the world, tasted, smelled, felt it. Aziraphale knew it wasn't incredibly angelic of him to want, but he did feel a spark of that whenever he observed humans discovering something new. He did  _ want _ to experience what they did, experience what God had created here, experience the things that brought out such interesting reactions like moans of pleasure and squeals of delight. (He could live without experiencing the things that made them scream in terror though, thank you very much).

It was running into an old acquaintance, (not yet friend, never an enemy), that changed things up a bit, slightly for the better and also slightly for the worse.*

> *A rather good combination in theory, but not in this case. Not at first, at least.

"Orange."

Aziraphale startled so badly, he felt himself shift a few, rather embarrassing, millimetres out of his cooperation.

"Excuse me?", he said, turning to the demon behind him. Of course, he had felt him, but they crossed paths rather often looking at how they both stayed close to the ever-growing group of humans. They didn't speak as often, though, and Aziraphale simply hadn't expected today to be any different.

Crawley only held a round, definitely  _ very _ orange ball up to Aziraphale.

"A new thing those humans ran into a while ago. Oranges. You peel them 'n eat them...and..yeah. Pretty alright, even though I'm not really into the whole sticky sweet stuff thisss got going on."

Aziraphale eyed the ball.

"Ah."

"Thought you might wanna try some. Not really much to do anyway, so why not enjoy yourself a bit."

Moving his gaze from the orange up to equally round and almost as orange eyes, furrowing his brow, Aziraphale tutted softly.

"Is this the usual way you tempt others? With fruit?"

Crawley scoffed.

"Tempting? This' not tempting", he threw the orange into the air, catching it again, before giving it a look as if it had offended his entire family.*

*Not that Crawley had one. Not anymore at least. Demons didn't see each other as siblings after all. They did have the urge to kick and hit each other as often as siblings did, though.

"Just nothing better to do. And humans are going pretty wild on all of this new fruits and..uh..those other things. So why not try some yourself."

It wasn't as if Aziraphale hadn't considered it himself, especially in the past few years. He did get reprimanded for the whole deal with the apple and Eve, but it was merely a formal letter informing him to stay and 'keep any more of these things from happening'. 

He had refrained from doing anything that might provoke a more..severe punishment in the time after that, but so far there had been none. Heaven was watching, Aziraphale was sure of it, and he should keep strictly to his duties in that case.

"Well, I really shouldn't."

Crawley's mouth twitched.

"Suit yourself."

The orange was thrown up again, but Crawley turned to leave, making no move to catch it again. The fruit fell into the dry grass with a soft thud.

What a waste, Aziraphale thought. Lying there it would just slowly rot in the grass, never having been tasted by a living things tongue.

He kneeled down, hand closing over a rough but smooth surface, giving away ever so slightly under the tips of his fingers.

Aziraphale sighed, lifting the fruit closer, running a thumb over its skin.

Heaven couldn't say anything against him simply taking a closer look at some of creation, could they?

His fingernails, blunt but clean, dug into the fruit, right where it had once been connected to a branch, the same way he had seen the humans peel it, before.

It was a bit tricky to pierce the tough, thick skin, and Aziraphale grimaced as he dug to deep, sticky, cool juice running over his fingers. He was not a fan of that, he knew that much.*

> *Many years later, Aziraphale would be delighted by the invention of cutlery. Sadly the invention of the napkin was even further away.

The inside was shimmering with moisture, where the juice had spilt, dry in other places. A thin layer of something white, thin and translucent covered slices of orange flesh. Interesting.

Aziraphale sniffed, a powerful, mouthwatering aroma hitting his nose. It was sharp but fresh, a sting to it but sweet at the same time. Swallowing, Aziraphale licked his lips.

Smelling seemed to be alright, so tasting had to be as well. This senses seemed to be linked, after all, so there he simply had to use the other after already using one of them.

Carefully, Aziraphale pinched the top of one of the slices with deft, soft fingers, separating it from the rest.

He lifted it up to lightly parted lips, pushing it between them, sliding it slowly inside, onto his waiting tongue.

It was..underwhelming at first. The white layer was dry and almost tasteless, sticking to the wetness of his tongue, sliding over the fruit it covered.

Aziraphale moved it around his mouth experimentally, trying to mimic the way he had seen humans eat. He himself had never used his mouth that way before, or honestly any way that involved having other objects inserted into it.

Chewing. Yes, he should try that.

Moving his jaw in a rather unnatural chewing motion, Aziraphale managed just to save his tongue from getting caught between his teeth, trading its place with the slice of orange.

"Oh."

He had no words for what he felt as a wave of juice exploded through the holes in the slices skin, his teeth pushing sticky, sweet, incredibly sweet liquid out of the fruit, flooding his tongue. 

It was unlike anything he had felt before, a tingling pull at the back of his tongue from the slightly sour note, a flavour that was only recognizable as orange, sweetness in just the right spots, the feeling that always came with something that quenched once thirst.*

> *Of course, Aziraphale had no idea what any of those taste were named, not yet at least. It was his first experience tasting anything at all, after all. He needed some time to get over the shock of it all first.

Aziraphale couldn't hold back a hum of delight that bubbled up straight from his core. This was simply delightful.

But what now?

He chewed a bit more, getting impatient to try another slice. 

Swallowing was...harder to understand then chewing. A complex play of throat and mouth muscles, both not once Aziraphale had put to use as often as other creatures did on a day to day basis.

After a few tries, he had finally figure out what most other living beings were able to do from birth. Or so he thought.

Angels and Demons alike didn't need to breathe. Their bodies were only as human as they had to be, able to do enough to almost be a regular body, fragile enough to be cheap and easy in their creation. (Both Heaven and Hell didn't want to waste too many resources on something mundane as bodies).

But if one suddenly finds, let's say a piece of fruit, stuck in their airway, and if that person has gotten used to breathing rather freely for close to a century, the panic alone was enough to kill a grown man. Add the simple but interesting fact that ethereal and occult beings influenced their surroundings and themselves simply by believing something strongly enough, it was no wonder that Aziraphale found himself suddenly choking in a rather real way.

And as a being as unused to choking as he was to chewing or swallowing, he couldn't do much as his vision grew fuzzy, his body collapsing to the ground, dropping the uneaten rest of orange.

As Aziraphale felt himself being pulled upwards to Heaven, he wondered how he was going to explain this to Gabriel.

It had been worth it though. The taste of that one fruit alone had been worth a dozen discorporations. Aziraphale couldn't wait to get back down and try some more. 

He just really had to get a hang of the whole swallowing thing.


	2. Poisonous Fruits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't just eat random plants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Vomiting

“My dear, you simply have to try some!” Crowley gently pushed away the plump hand holding the offered fruit. 

“It has spikes.”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes, shifting to pick up another fruit from the little heap held in his robes, between crossed legs. The fruits had grown plentiful this year, and there simply weren’t enough humans or animals around to eat them all. It really was Aziraphale’s angelic duty to make sure not too much of them went to waste.

“You peel them, of course. Like most fruits.”

“Haven’t seen you peel pears.” 

“I did say most, not all.”

Aziraphale turned the pink, round, spikey something in his hands, before digging in one blunt, shiny fingernail, peeling away the tough skin from white, moist flesh. Popping the now free insides into his mouth, he licked his lips with a delighted wiggle.

“I can’t believe you like all this stuff so much”, Crowley found himself wiping a sappy smile off of his face with a snide comment. He immediately regretted it as the content smile slid off of Aziraphale’s face.

“Ah...yes. I have gotten several comments from…’up there’, already”, he eyed another, yellow something sadly, turning it now rather listlessly. “Maybe I should stop with this. I have tried most of the fruits already, no point in doing so again..”

Crowley scrambled up on his feet.

“No, no, no, wait a minute. You can’t just stop!” Quick, he had to think of some good reason other than ‘fuck those weirdos up there, just eat the damn fruit’. Aziraphale watched him scurry off into the bushes, out of sight, coming back, arms laden with whatever grew near (and not near*) them.

* Several humans and birds got startled quite heavily as various fruits suddenly disappeared right from beneath their noses as they were about to pick them. It did take Crowley a few moments of handpicking before he remembered that miracles were indeed a thing.

Then he dumped the entire armful on the ground, stepping on one of the unlucky fruits that had rolled away from the pile. Aziraphale raised a brow.

“And what exactly..are you doing now?”

“Ruining her creation”, Crowley offered, only now remembering to actually think of some good reason. “If you don’t want to eat them, more for me to waste!”

He kicked another, hissing as he bruised his toes on the hard shell. Recovering some pride, he gave Aziraphale a grin.

“Of course you can thwart my evil plan. Do with them what they were intended for. Make me join you.”

Aziraphale shifted in place, twiddling the hem of his robes between soft fingers.

“Well..That doesn’t seem like actual thwarting. Especially not if it’s your idea.“

“My idea, your idea, doesn’t matter. The result is what your people want to see, isn’t it?”

“If you put it like that..”, Aziraphale eyed a large fruit that had ended up closest to him.

“If you would rather I continued wasting all this perfectly good fruits…?”

Snapping, Aziraphale got some of the fruits to lift off the ground, dust themselves off obediently, and place themselves neatly to the few fruits already on his lap.

“There really is no reason for that, my dear boy”, Aziraphale sighed, peeling something Crowley recognized as a banana. “Well, join me then.”

Scowling, Crowley sat down again. He didn’t mind food too much, it was alright, some even more than alright. But the sticky mess it made of his hands was definitely not. He grabbed something rather small, round and red. No mess if he could just pop the entire thing in his mouth, whole.

“Ugh”, Crowley chocked out, teeth working on the tough outer shell, before piercing it, going right through the fibrous flesh and crunching a large kernel.

Aziraphale hid a smile.

“I did tell you that peeling was an option.”

“Shu’ ‘p.” Crowley swallowed, grimacing. “Uhngh...that was gross.”

“I don’t think I know that one. I haven’t seen anything like this around here, before”, picking up another one of the small fruits, Aziraphale held it up for closer inspection.

“You didn’t miss much. ‘s disgusting.”

Visibly restraining himself, Aziraphale placed the fruit gently back down on the ground.

“Can’t believe you wanna eat that, even though I told you it tastes like shit.”

“You could be lying”, Aziraphale sniffed, moving his attention to a juicy looking pear. “You#re a demon after all. It would make sense for you to hide good tasting things for yourself.”

“I got you an orange after trying one, didn’t I?”

“And caused me 2 years of paperwork.”

“I didn’t expect you to not know how to bloody swallow!”

Crowley threw out his hands, freezing for a moment in place, before lowering one slowly to his chest, brows furrowed.

“Hu. That’s weird.”

Aziraphale swallowed, delicately wiping some juice off of his lips.

“What was that?”

“I said, ‘That’s weird’”, Crowley gave his chest a few thumps. “That beating thing went all funny, suddenly.”

“You’re..lung?”

“Uh..don’t think that was that. The red..uh..Heart! Yeah, that fucker!”

There was a light sheen to Crowley’s forehead now, Aziraphale noticed. 

“Started beatin’ all out of rhythm.”

Aziraphale was sure he hadn’t been told anything like that about his corporation, back when it had been handed out. “Lungs for breathing, heart for beating” had one of the little helpful pamphlets said on the front, but in the end, it had been mostly about the repercussions of damaging the body, than about the body itself.

“You should fix that”, Aziraphale helped unhelpfully.

“Oh yeah, thank’s, what d’you think I’m trying to do. Not like I know what all those little parts gotta be actually doing.”

Crowley groaned, curling slightly forward.

“Oh fuck, yeah this’ worse, all the lower stuff’s trying to shred itself into pieces. ‘t least it feels like it.”

He was panting now, some stray hair sticking to his sweaty face.

“Just, gonna lie down, just here, yeah just like that”, Crowley collapsed more then he lied down, curling up tighter on the ground. “Fuck, look at this shit, angel. Your fruits incorporated me.”

“I thought you knew how to swallow?”

“Do I look like I’m chocking?!”

Crowley groaned again, clutching his chest with both hands and Aziraphale began to panic. There was, of course, no reason to panic, neither of them could actually die, and incorporating the enemy was technically in his job description**.  
But most would feel some level of anxiety while watching somebody suddenly begin to show signs of acute dying. Especially if that somebody was The Enemy***, and you had just been having a lovely conversation with them.

**Somewhere around the first line or so. Aziraphale liked to skip over it.  
*** Capitalized.

“Fruits aren’t supposed to kill you!” Aziraphale was sure they weren’t. They were for sustenance, he remembered hearing about that. He wouldn’t have eaten one if they were deadly, he wasn’t an idiot!

Crowley just groaned into the ground.

“Unless…”, something wiggled in the back of Aziraphale’s mind. Oh. Yes. Right. “Have you heard of poisonous plants, ma dear?”

Crowley chocked out some sounds, rolling to another side.

“I think you might have found one.”

Crowley threw up.

“Oh my...uhm...is there any way I can help you?!” Aziraphale hovered over Crowley, fruits forgotten. Wasn’t there something to do? Hadn’t there been anything he had been told about poisons? He couldn’t just miracle it away, could he? 

“I can try miraceling the poison away!” Aziraphale cried. “It can’t be that hard!”

“Oh G-...fuck, no. ‘m not ur essssperiment..”

“Stay still!”

“Stop.”

“I have healed humans before. Your corporation is basically like a human’s body!”

“NOoooo….!”

“I just have to…Oh dear.”

Crowley spasmed, coughed out something that sounded like a ‘Rather die” and simply did indeed die.  
Silence surrounded Aziraphale and the now rather demonless body next to him. 

He sighed, pushing down the trickle of a rather nasty feeling, and got up. He really should bury him as soon as possible, before anybody from a nearby settlement ran across this rather questionable scene.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, I had a dumb idea and here we go.


End file.
